Tuesday, September 2, 2014

I am SO OVER Hilda!

So, lets see , I found it almost sad, that I had to ride out the week looking for my humor to return, funny how the right kind of pain can send humor flying out the window.
I had taken comfort for 18 months that things and procedures were always far worse off in my mind than the reality of it once it was done and said. Not with Hilda, oh no, since the beginning of her miraculous appearance she has been trying to ninja kill me, but baby I am fighting back! But I tell you, every thing to do with her, one, lonely hard to get to out of place tumor, my mind could NOT conceive exactly how bad it was........and from the beginning has been far worse in reality!


So on to the surgery, I am sure you are wondering..........I don't think I will be recommending liver section 7 surgery anytime soon to anyone!

We get there at 10 am for them to look all bewildered saying didn't anyone tell you they moved your surgery later in the day? Why no, no they did not! When is is if not at noon? Oh 1:45 great, we love to hang around waiting rooms for hours for a surgery I am scared to death of!

They get me back there finally, and are running behind, around 3pm they start prepping me, mind you I had nothing to eat or drink since the previous night and was starving by this time! Finally I am ready, they give me something and I am out in seconds. It is on my paperwork I don't take morphine well, the last time vomiting over 8 hours straight on it.

I  have glimpses after that, waking up feeling like someones hand was still grabbing my liver ( no worries it was just the pain of probing and incision.) I remember gasping unable to breathe. Someone calling my name but I could not focus and I was out again. Calling my name again, I don't want to wake up. I want to be left alone, I never want to wake up again........go away.....out again.

Alarms going off, can't breathe nurse saying they need  to get me on oxygen again, Oh you giving me a shot? I ask...out like a light.

Name being called, the room is spinning, dry heaves starting, give me something, who knows what, back to sleep, name called told to breath still nauseated. Someone mentions me being discharged I am like WHAT? NO, I am suppose to be here 2 or 3 days! What are you talking about? At same time as sick as I felt I could not IMAGINE going home in that condition! I could not even open my eyes without getting sick and dry heaving.

Hubby saying they couldn't do the whole thing.........WHAT THE HELL?  WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Now this part was beyond disappointing, the pain I was feeling, the feeling so sick I just wanted to die feeling was for WHAT Exactly?  He was able to get a biopsy of it, but was unable to burn it kill it as originally planned. He could not pull my liver down enough. The pain seering right below my rib cage so every time I inhale ........it HURTS like crazy! The last time I felt pain like that was 18 months ago when the tumors had all grown large enough to hit my rib cage. My eyes remained closed all the way home and oh I finally stopped dry heaving sometime after midnight.

It is GREAT that he at least got the biopsy because so far even that has not gone as planned, I had lost my confidence about always thinking the best and no worries. Hilda is worrying me like crazy if I were to be totally honest! So I get home and call my Oncologist the next day being Tuesday hoping I can get in when she is on usually on Wednesdays to find results and new treatment plan. She went on vacation for 2 weeks.......... Sigh I have 2 weeks to mull over my worst fear......I actually had night terrors about it for 3 or 4 days straight upon coming home.

Normally I stay optimistic however like I said, nothing about Hilda has proven simple, easy or gone as planned.

My fear is that after all this, I will be told it is not something that will respond to any treatment and I will have to go back and do the ORIGINAL liver surgery plan being an even bigger operation and a whole lot more pain after all.  I am still having problems 9 days after surgery from the less invasive one I just had, from just taking a biopsy! to go through a major one actually cutting a portion of my liver out with up to 7 days in hospital and an average 6 week recovery time?

Knowing what I now know, I have been thinking if it came down to that, I am not so sure I would go through with it. I know the pain is fresh in my memory and I do not seem to tolerate anesthesia well at all. But then I thought......... but then how much pain would I be willing to go through in order to live into the long survival end?  There lies the problem of the unknown factor, to put myself through that for another year or two? Um I don't think so. But if it meant living 15 plus years? Yikes that is not an easy answer..........perhaps if it was guaranteed. LOL Guess I will cross that bridge when I have to.

I am hoping there will be a better plan and that Hilda will respond to some type of treatment.

I see my Oncologist on the 10th, all will then be revealed..........in the meantime take deep breaths.